Sing it with me everyone. The theme from COPS. Is it me, or are there a LOT of articles and stories lately about people getting arrested, having fistfights, even lighting things on FIRE, at their own weddings??? Because what goes better with matrimony and harmony than handcuffs and jailcells?

I am really amused by this actually. I suppose I am lucky in that I dont have any friends or family members that would EVER pull something like that at my wedding; and I can certainly vouche for myself and my husband that WE are not the types to drink ourselves into a stupor and then proceed to throw the junior bridesmaid into the centerpieces. Call me crazy; but our wedding was a lot more peaceful. And FUN!

But some people; you give them a bit of free liquor and this is how they act. And in most cases, we aren’t even talking about the guests! No, this is the BRIDE and Groom behaving this way! And to me, the funniest part of all of this is that after all of this ridiculousness occurs, you would THINK these people would be …oh, I don’t know…embarassed??? But no. They aren’t. Not at all. You see them for the next week all over the news, the papers, and on any and every cheesy interview show they can find to tell their heartbreaking tales. There they are; explaining to everyone how we simply “misunderstood” them as people. Because normally, they don’t make a habit of spitting at their officiant or landing face first in their own wedding cakes. You see; normally these people are angelic citizens. So we must have misunderstood.

Consider the Port Chester, New York bride and groom who were both arrested on their wedding day; during their own reception! Apparently the bride was not happy with the music, so she proceeded to “trash a set of conga drums in a spat with the band,” according to an article in comcast.net. Apparently things got so out of control that police had to use stun-guns on the groom and his 21 year old daughter; who were resisting the arrest. I guess people really DO get violent when the DJ plays “The Macarena” even after being asked repeatedly not to! (can’t say I blame them on that one.)

Another couple in California recently spent their wedding night in a jail cell after their wedding reception got out of hand.  Yup. Their first night together … in jail. I will let you insert your own jokes on this one.

Or how about the happy newlywed couple that got into a brawl in a Holiday Inn just minutes after checking in for their wedding night? The fight escalated to include three other family members. The groom walked away with a black eye and a jail sentence. There was over $1000 worth of damage to the hotel; including a plant that the happy new wife lifted up and flung at her husband’s head.

But this is my absolute favorite. It comes from the hilarious website www.thesmokinggun.com …

QUESTION #1: So, when are you getting married?

Ummm, I don’t know. Why don’t you let me find a boyfriend that I actually LIKE first and who wants to marry me. More importantly, let me actually be involved in a relationship for awhile with a guy who ISN’T totally freaked out by the idea of getting married. Overbearing aunts, grandmothers, or office-coworkers constant nagging on the topic doesn’t exactly help my cause. Why are other people so concerned with when YOU will get married anyway? It is as if they want and need for everyone else to do what THEY did; and if you don’t, there is clearly something wrong with you. I got married “late,” at age 35, so I got a LOT of this question. How do you tell people that you simply haven’t met your future husband yet? THAT is when I will get married, and that is when I DID get married. When I found someone worthy of the title.
QUESTION #2: So, when is the wedding???

Okay, so when you finally DO get engaged; after endless years of people bugging you about doing so; these same people don’t give you even five seconds with the ring on your finger before they start in with the wedding date. When is the wedding? Where will it be? I hope I’m invited! That is my favorite one of all: “I hope I am invited.” What in the hell am I supposed to say to THAT? Because nine times out of ten, the person who says this is clearly NOT invited. I wish I had the ka-hunas to say, “Actually; person I barely know and only say Hi to because we work in the same office space, you are not invited. You were not even a thought on the Guest List; which, by the way, hasn’t been created yet, because I have been engaged for 3 seconds. But if it WERE created, you wouldn’t be on it. Ever. Never ever ever. Go away.” But I am much too wimpy to say that. And I might even be so wimpy that I would invite them just to avoid the conflict. I suck.

QUESTION #3: Sooo, are you getting nervous? Are you excited?

This is a two parter. One usually follows the other. You nervous, you excited? This question starts popping up about two months before the wedding. People will sometimes preface it by saying something obvious like, “So, only two months before the wedding, huh?” Ummm, yup. And then they hit you with it. “You nervous? You excited?” I know it is a very innocent, “they mean well” type of question. But believe me, after you hear it literally over 50 times in a one week period, you start to become violent. I mean, how are you supposed to respond to this? Yes, I guess I’m nervous. I mean, I wasn’t before, but NOW I am. And am I excited? Yes! Of course I am excited. Do you really think I am going to say, “Actually, no. I am not in the least bit excited about marrying the man I’m going to spend my life with. I could care less. But thanks for asking. You’re a real trooper!”

QUESTION #4: Soooo, when are you gonna have kids?

Okay, this is quite possibly the most annoying of all the annoying questions. First of all; again, these people don’t give you much time at all to get used to the idea of being married. In fact, some of them even start in with this line of questioning AT THE WEDDING. Or before the wedding. Or a week after the wedding. I don’t mind it so much when it is family asking; because at least they know me. What I hate is when it is some co-worker, who I barely know or talk to, wants to know when I am having children and how many and why? And why do people assume that everyone on earth is planning on having kids anyway? What if I don’t want them, or what if I’m unable to have children? I just think this line of questioning is a bit too personal for someone I am only acquaintences with. If I were to have kids, do you really think YOU would be the first person I would tell? Ummm, no. If you and I are close, then you will know. You won’t have to ask. The end.Now, if a few years go by, and you don’t end up having kids; then Question #4 will continue until the end of time. If however, you DO have a child; then you would think the questions would stop, right? NO! They don’t. They never stop. Then people start in with, “Soooo, will you be having more kids? How many? When? A little sister for baby Jimmy to play with? Awwww.”

After the kids thing dies down, there really isn’t much more to ask. Unfortunately, most people don’t really care about all the other accomplishments in your life. I am starting my own business; I landed an agent … but most people won’t ask me about that stuff. They just want to be the first to know the minute I get pregnant. There is a woman at the office I work at who looks to be about in her seventies. She is always asking me when I am planning on having children. All the time. At least once a week. One of these days when she says, “Sooo, when will you be having kids?”, I am going to come back with, “I don’t know. When will you be dying? What are you, 70, 80? You’re not looking so good. Maybe you should think about throwing in the towel. It’s really time.”

But that would be cruel. And I don’t have the ka-hunas to go through with it. So instead, I hide behind my computer, typing out my frustrations in blog form.

What life questions annoy you? Comment here and let me know.

Today at this same time, we were cutting into our wedding cake while a Harry Connick Jr. song played in the background and our friends and family looked on. The first year of my marriage has gone by super fast. It feels like a few months, rather than a whole year. So on this day; I want to dedicate my blog to my wonderful husband; and tell him some of the many reasons that I love him. And although there are hundreds and hundreds of reasons; this list goes to eleven.

The TOP 11 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY HUSBAND:

1. His shoulders and chest make for a great, cheap pillow.

2. He is one of the only heterosexual men that I know who genuinely enjoys attending a Broadway Show. (We have gone to many since he moved to the NY area.)

3. He walks over to my side of the car; holds the door open for me; waits until I am safely inside, and then closes it. That is great!

4. He truly loves to see me succeed in life; and is unbelievably happy when I do.

5. He took ballroom dancing lessons for our Wedding/First dance; even though he hated every single second of it.

6. He goes to see romantic comedies with me; and sometimes, he even likes them. (Yes, he likes the movie “Sleepless In Seattle,” and no, I swear; he’s not gay.)

7. He makes me breakfast in bed. (Okay, fine ..it was just ONE time. But that one time was very unexpected and extremely appreciated.)

8. He transformed himself from someone who said that baseball was “boring;” to someone who not only watches the entire baseball game; but also the pre-game show, post-game show, and spring training. (GO YANKEES!)

9. How passionate he gets when he A. plays guitar, or B. plays tennis.

10. The way he gives me kisses on my forehead; or holds my hand while lying in bed.

11. He packed up his entire Florida life; put it into a moving truck; and moved himself to New Jersey. He took a huge risk on our love, and made the ultimate sacrifice. And he never, ever mentions it or reminds me of it. Ever.

I love you honey! HAPPY FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!

Ladies; what do you love most about your fiance/husband? Comment here.

There are so many “stereotypical” proposals that we always hear about. The classic baseball game proposal where the question is posted on the giant screen for all the crowd to see. To me; if I were a guy, that would be way too stressful. How can you enjoy the game? You have to constantly look at that screen, waiting for the 2 second message to appear. And you have to make damn sure that SHE sees the message too. What if she goes to the ladies room for the 10th time? What if she just isn’t looking? Too much pressure. Or how about the “putting the ring inside the food at a restaurant” proposal? This one just scares me. A ring inside my mashed potatoes? I don’t know about you, but when I eat potatoes, I’m not taking each bite with precaution just in case there is an engagement ring stuffed in there! What if I choke and swallow the ring? Again, too much could go wrong here. It’s like a potential comedy of errors.

And ladies, let’s admit it; we look forward to the proposal. Some of us dream about it; even picturing or hoping for specific scenarios to take place on that momentous day. We also love hearing about other proposals too, right? Whenever one of your friend’s gets engaged, what is the first thing you say? “Oh congratulations! How did he propose?” Thats the first thing YOU say. The first thing your male significant other says is something sarcastic like, “So you’re finally walking the plank, huh?” or “Giving her the rights to your balls, eh?” or the overdramatic and badly acted, “Don’t do it, man!! Don’t do it!!!!” Yes, men. We see right through you.

Why? Because we know that secretly; somewhere deep down inside your manly self, you like the proposal. You like coming up with something extra-special for the love of your life; something you know she will love. I have seen some normally unromantic men come up with some amazing proposals in my time. My own husband is someone I would classify as not terribly romantic; and his Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree proposal was one of the most romantic and beautiful nights of my entire life. Of course, it was also one of the LAST romantic nights of my life; but that’s a blog for another time ….

So what makes the perfect marriage proposal? I think that depends on who you are as a couple. The key to knowing how to propose marriage is truly knowing your girl and your relationship. What kind of people are you? Is she shy or outgoing? Would she love or be embarassed by a grand gesture in front of lots of people? What are your hobbies together? Some of the greatest proposals come from simply utilizing the things you like to do. For example, someone who runs marathons might propose with a large sign at the Finish line of a big race. If you both love movies, you might create a mini film for your fiance about your story as a couple, and at the end, you propose into the camera. A good friend of mine is also a fellow comedian; and he proposed to his fiance (now wife) on the stage at Gotham Comedy Club, during his standup comedy routine. It is all about who you are, and what you think your partner would appreciate. A lot of people like to make it private, while others prefer to propose in front of their entire family, maybe at a gathering like New Year’s Eve or Thanksgiving.

Like rings, proposals come in all shapes and sizes. Another friend of mine has a husband who is very laid back and mellow in personality. His proposal was very lowkey and down to earth. They were sitting in their car coming back from dinner, and he simply told her he had something for her in the trunk. Then he pulled out the engagement ring out of a paper bag and said something like, “Here. So will you?” My friend made the point that although some women would have been disappointed by this non-event, she thought it was sweet because it was “just like him” to do something like that. It was pure to who he is. And that is what speaks to someone. Who you are.

So really, there is no perfect proposal. There are endless ways for a man to propose to his fiance. I think if you can capture the truth in that moment of who you are; then you have given a proposal that she will remember forever.

Men, this is your big moment! Trust me, if you do it right; her entire family and friends will love you forever. Everywhere you go, you will be the big hero for giving such a great proposal. That is exactly what happened to my husband. He was like a celebrity. “So, tell us the story of how you proposed….. Oh, how romantic! …. Oh Kelley is sooo lucky!”

And I am. But more importantly, so was he. Why? Because the proposal is it for you men. That is all you are responsible for when it comes to the wedding. Give a nice proposal and then show up in the tux ready to get married. That is it. So after you give your amazing proposal; you can then feel free to sit back, relax, and observe as your future wife plans the entire wedding. Alone. We will see you in about a year at the alter.

P.S. If you show up looking as hot as the guy in this picture, let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter HOW you propose, we will say “Yes!”

Tell us your proposal story. How did he ask you and what did you think?

Look, I have a sense of humor. I am a comedian, so I have a very good sense of humor actually. So watching these videos does not offend me as a wife or as a woman. They offend me as a comedian! (Much like Seinfeld said on his show when he found out his dentist was becoming Jewish so he could tell Jewish jokes. “So you’re offended as a Jew?” Kramer asked. “No,” Jerry answered, “I’m offended as a comedian!” - I feel your pain Jerry) I just happen to think that there are a whole slew of stereotypes floating around out there about marriage; most of which are severely untrue. At least from where I stand. I mean c’mon; your wife nags you? Really? That’s the best joke you can come up with about marriage? I am sure that some wives do nag; just as some husbands are probably lazy pieces of crap who deserve to be nagged at! But that is certainly not what I see all around me, or in my own marriage. I am not a nag. I do not treat my husband as if I am his mother. He already has one of those, and as far as I know, he doesn’t want another one. So unless you have something NEW to say on the topic of nagging wives, let’s just put away that annoying word for a long time, shall we?

And while we are on the topic, here are some other stereotypes about marriage that annoy me:

MARRIED WOMEN NEVER WANT TO HAVE SEX

This is another old, boring, tired topic. The whole “I have a headache” thing went out a long time ago, didn’t it? I mean honestly, who actually says that anymore? Nobody that I know. Or, “I’m not in the mood.” Sure, sometimes women feel this way, but men make it sound as if women are saying this every single day. Personally; if you want to know the truth, I am in the mood MUCH more than my husband most times. Anyone else out there with me? (I really hope he doesn’t read this) I think that the whole idea that sex stops when you get married is just crazy. If anything, it should get better with time spent together. I also think that when it comes to sex, it all depends on the couple. Every relationship is different. Couple A might be happy having sex once a week, while couple B is happy having it five times per week. I am not going to say where we fall in that range, but the concept of an “average” amount of times to have sex is ridiculous. There is no such thing as “average.” Everyone is different.

WOMEN GAIN WEIGHT AFTER THEY GET MARRIED

This is another one that I hear men joking about all the time; how their wives gained 10 or 20 pounds over time. Usually they are having this conversation as they lounge around on the couch watching football together; their baseball hats covering their balding heads, and their oversized sweatshirts and jeans hiding the huge gut underneath. You know what? People gain weight. It happens. It’s called life. So unless you are looking in the mirror and seeing a young strapping Brad Pitt staring back, please don’t expect your wives to be some perfect little Barbie doll while you exercise your remote control arm to put on the latest Playstation game. Really, I think any man who criticizes his wife for gaining a few pounds is only hiding the insecurities they feel about their own self. I know; that was really deep. Don’t mistake me for Dr. Phil. This is why I have so much respect for couples who work out together, lose weight together, stay healthy together. It says so much about a relationship when you are both making these things an important part of your life. Together.

THE MAN LOSES HIS FREEDOM WHEN HE GETS MARRIED

This one kind of makes me mad. The whole “walking the plank” thing that men joke about with marriage; the whole “whatever you say dear, you’re always right dear” thing. Again, if I hadn’t heard this same hack joke a thousand times, I might laugh. But it’s old now, and not all that funny. I do not think this is true at all. Put it this way: if any man out there feels that he has lost his sense of self by getting married; that you have no say in anything that happens between you and your wife; well that is your fault! You are choosing to be passive and spineless in your relationship, and you are letting your wife walk all over you. If you have something to say, men; say it! If there is something you’d like to do, tell us! Really, we would love to know these things. Usually when my husband is silent about something, (where to go for dinner, what we should do over the weekend, etc) I will just take it upon myself to make a decision and make plans for us. If I didn’t, we would never go anywhere, ever!!! I’m serious. We would just sit in a chair, day after day, staring at one another. So, if you don’t have anything to offer, then don’t accuse us of taking too much control. Get it? Good.

And now I shall leave you with the shortest of the lame “marriage” videos that I scanned through today. It doesn’t seem fair that I had to suffer alone by watching all of these; so we will compromise. I am sharing with you the shortest, most painless of the bunch. But it’s still pretty bad. This one comes from A DAN AMONGST DANS. Enjoy!

What marriage stereotypes do you hate? Leave me your comments here.

Remember the remake of the film “Father of the Bride?” You know, the Steve Martin version that most of us have seen. I always get sad when I watch the wedding and reception scene of that film. The father has begrudgingly gone out of his way and his budget to not only pay for his daughter’s lavish wedding, but also to offer his home and gigantic backyard as a reception venue. When he gets excited to give his daughter the new espresso machine she wanted for her engagement gift, he is cut off at the pass when the in-laws pull up in the brand new CAR they bought the couple unexpectedly. He is pushed aside often by the wedding planner (the hilarious Martin Short); who has moved all the furniture, rearranged the entire house, and left the father utterly confused. And then what happens on the wedding day? The bride gets married, dances the night away, cuts the cake, throws the bridal bouquet, and waves goodbye to her guests before jumping into the get-away limo … and somehow her daddy just misses every single moment of it. He is running around, trying to get through the huge crowd, and cannot get to his daughter. He never gets to say goodbye, and she ends up calling him from the airport on their way to the honeymoon to tell her father she loves him. That scene always gets to me. One, because I’m a sap .. and two, because I did NOT want that to happen at my own wedding! I mean really. How do you go the entire reception without seeing your own father? Granted this was a huge reception with probabyl 300 or 400 people; whereas mine was only 100 guests. However, even with a smaller crowd, you run the risk of not seeing everyone there. I never wanted my wedding experience to be a huge blur that I couldn’t remember because everything was so rushed and happened so fast. I wanted to make CERTAIN that I got to spend quality time with my immediate family, my guests, and most importantly; my new husband. So here are a few things we did to ensure that everyone got a little piece of US on that beautiful, wonderful evening:

A MOMENT ALONE PLEASE ….

Our venue coordinator was a genius. Why? Because she had the foresight to know that my new husband and I would probably like a minute or two alone before all the madness began downstairs. (our ceremony and reception were at the same location.) Seconds after the ceremony ended; as we walked back down the aisle together, a newly married couple; she led us both up the stairs to the Bridal Suite and shut the door behind her. When we got up there, she had set aside a plate of the appetizers that would soon be passed around downstairs during cocktail hour, champagne, strawberries, fresh fruit, and water. Our coordinator pretty much then ordered us to stay up there for 10minutes or so while the cocktail hour began. (we opted to attend our own cocktail hour. I didn’t see any reason not to, as I didn’t want to miss any of the party.) I remember her saying to us, “I’m going to leave you two up here for about 10 or 15minutes. I want you to relax, take in what just happened, and enjoy it. Because when you go down those stairs, it is going to get crazy. This might be the only time you have to spend alone together the entire evening, so use it wisely.” Then she left. It was amazing, one of the best moments of the day. We held each other, talked about how nervous we were before the ceremony, and just relished in our happiness. We could hear the music downstairs, our friends celebrating and eating, and it was just a beautiful few moments of calm before the storm. So however you have to do it, make some time to spend ALONE with your new husband. Even if its only 10 minutes! For some couples, this happens in the limo ride. Since we didn’t have limos and everything was in one place, we used the Bridal Suite for our moments alone.

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY ….

If spending time with your family and friends is important to you on your wedding day, then try to include those people in your wedding as much as possible. If they are not in the wedding party, there are plenty of other ways to make them a part of the event. We had a tiny wedding party; Best Man and Matron of Honor only. But in addition to that, we used our friends and family’s special talents to keep them close to us on our day. My mother was our co-officiant, so she was a huge part of our ceremony. My oldest childhood friend was our ceremony musician; so when I walked down the aisle, I got to glance over at her and hear the sounds of her flute with acoustic guitar as I approached my new husband. My dad and I both sing; so we did a duet medley for our guests during the cocktail hour; as well as the father daughter dance. My brother and his new wife were our two ushers; and they both sat people and handed out programs. My husband’s sister did a reading during the ceremony. So we found ways to include most of the people who were important to us; and this way it guaranteed that we would have at the very least, a small moment with those people during the day.

TABLE FOR SIXTEEN PLEASE …

Since we had such a small wedding party, we were able to have a “family table” instead of a head table, something I really didn’t want. Our table looked just like everyone else’s, except it was much bigger. At our table; we had me and my husband, our siblings and their wives, our parents, and our Best Man, Matron of Honor, and their spouses. This gave us a lot of time while eating to spend with our families; those that were closest to us and those that helped us put this whole day together. It also helped for my husbands family to meet my family, some for the very first time, and brought us all closer together. I am really happy that we did that instead of sitting alone just me and him, or with only our wedding party. I couldn’t imagine not sitting with our parents and families on that day. It made the day feel like a big family get together; and I left the reception without any regrets.

Share your ideas for spending quality time with your guests at your wedding. What worked for you that allowed you more moments with friends and family?

The Top 11 Ways to Waste Your Money While Planning Your Wedding

(translation: the wedding industry and others will try and convince you to buy the following items. If you want them and can afford it, that is great. Go for it! But otherwise, YOU DON’T NEED THESE THINGS! They are super expensive and not at all necessary for your wedding to go off without a hitch.)

1. Cake Server Set:

This is a completely unnecessary item. Yes, they are beautiful; and hey, if someone decides to buy you a nice set for your Shower or an early wedding gift, more power to you. But to go out and buy a special knife and set just for your wedding cake that you will use for literally about 10 seconds on that day seems ridiculous. And expensive. You can just as easily use ANY nice looking knife set to cut the cake with, and noone will know or care. Trust me.

2. Monogrammed Toasting Flutes:

Again, these make a beautiful Shower gift for the Bride and Groom. But some people will actually try and tell you that you NEED special glasses to make your first toast with. Like, if you don’t have these specific glasses, your wedding and marriage are bound to fail. First of all, you are normally sitting at a head table or at least far away enough from the guests that noone will even SEE the glasses you are using to toast with. And secondly, just because something is monogrammed doesn’t mean it is nicer. Go with whatever works for you. Lots of times, your venue will supply you with glasses anyway, so it’s not even an issue.

3. Save the Dates:

Okay, now this one is a bit tricky. The purpose of a Save the Date is to let out of town guests know ahead of time the date of your wedding, so that they can make travel plans early and hopefully have a better chance of being there on your day. So if you have a lot of out of town guests, then Save the Dates MAY be something you want to do. We did them, but only sent them out to out of town guests; not locals. I made them myself, and in total, spent about $40 to do so. The problems come in when your save the dates start becoming more of a hassle and huge expense than they are worth. Invitations are expensive enough; you should not be having to put a lot of money into a simple message telling people when and where your wedding is. If you do them, make them yourself and keep it simple.

4. Personalized Napkins:

Again with the monogramming. To me, this has to be the best scam going. Think about it. Napkins are used for what? Wiping your mouths after eating, right? Well, now you can wipe your mouth with the new married couples names! Isn’t that …. gross??? Yes, and stupid. If you are going to put your names on something, please make it something other than the napkins. Also, consider this: napkins with names etched into them: $3.00 each or more. Regular napkins from party store or other place: probably less than $10 for an entire package.

5. Makeup Artist:

Unless you really do not know how to put on your own makeup, I think this is normally a pretty good way to waste your money on your wedding day. Most of us females put our own makeup on every day, and we know what we are doing for the most part. And makeup artists will charge you a fortune as soon as you say the word WEDDING. A better option? Hold a makeup class for your bridal party with a consultant from Mary Kay. They will come to your house, host a gathering, and teach everyone how to do their own makeup on that day. They will talk about skin care and help each individual find colors that best suit their skin tone. And the best part is that the whole thing is FREE. You can buy the skin care product presented, but there is no obligation to do so at all. (my mom is an Independant Sales Director for Mary Kay, and she helped me and my Matron of Honor with our makeup on my wedding day. It was great.)

6. Elegant Guestbook and Pen Set:

Another stupid scam. I am not saying you shouldn’t have a guestbook. Of course you should. But there are many options out there at stores like Target, Party Stores, or even JC Penny’s, Bed Bath and Beyond, etc. There is no need for a “leather bound book with gold trim” or some other dumb thing that translates into hundred of dollars. The biggest part of this scam is the pen. These people want you to pay a hundred dollars for a pen. It has gold, or feathers, or maybe it even writes your name for you! You can get a pen with the initials of the couple on it! How about a pen that sings to you as you write your signature? You get the point. Its stupid. Its a pen. Don’t spend a lot of money on it.

7. Bridal Hairpieces (tiaras, barrettes, combs, etc):

Again, you want a comb to put in your hair? Fine. You can get one for under $10. But say the word WEDDING and suddenly that $10 turns into $30 or more very quickly. Purchasing any sort of hairpieces or accessories at bridal shops is a very good way to waste your money. Often times you can have the same exact pieces handmade for you for much less money. My seamstress made my veil for $15. Bridal stores sell a similar one for over $200. Go to a store that sells hair things, and make your purchases there. There will be a lot of choices, and the price will be much lower.

8. Groom’s Cake:

Some couples want to have a Groom’s cake. Some brides like surprising their husbands with a special treat just for him. That is great. Again, if you truly want any of the things on this list, that is wonderful and of course you should have them. Just do not let anyone bully you into spending money on something that is truly unnecessary. They will try to tell you that this is the new trend, and everyone is doing it now. Do not fall for it. It is just another way for them to get you spending twice as much as you anticipated. All of those extras add up in the end. Most times, a Groom’s cake is chocolate. So instead of an entire seperate cake, why not just make one layer chocolate and one vanilla? Or have chocolate cake with buttercream frosting? There are many options that are much less expensive than doing up a whole seperate cake.

9. Elaborate Pew or Aisle Decorations:

Unless you are getting married inside of a gray, drab building with no hint of color or personality, most rooms have some sort of built-in decor. It is really nice when the aisles or pews are decorated with something subtle and small; and you can purchase great decorations for cheap prices at places like Michael’s Craft Store, Target, Walmart, or the Christmas Tree Shops. The issue here is let’s not overdue it. My florist tried to sell me on decorating every inch of space for the wedding ceremony with flowers. In the end, I chose to go with 12 seperate floral arrangements. They were used to line the aisle, and then brought over to the reception room to be used as centerpieces. Also, if you have too much going on in the church or the venue room, there won’t be any room to walk down the aisle! Remember to leave room for the humans that will be walking toward the alter. Less is more.

10. Bride and Groom Exchanging Gifts:

This is one of those things that some people will try and make you feel like you NEED to do. I remember people asking me with great concern,” aren’t you and Don going to exchange wedding gifts?” As if the future of our marriage hinged on the answer to this question. My silent response was usually that our gift was that we are getting married today! That IS the gift. I never expected anything in addition to that from my husband, and frankly; I had never even heard of exchanging gifts on your wedding day until the wedding industry started to make it such a fad thing to do. If anything, a heartfelt note written to me that day would be something that I would always cherish. And again … FREE! Do you see a theme here?

11. Monogrammed Aisle Runner:

Oh, this one is just stupid. It is basically like a red carpet for you to walk down the aisle on. Personally, I do not see the point of having one of these, unless it is supplied to you by the venue or it is not a lot of additional money. Our venue included it with our “package” so we didn’t have to worry. But they did have upgrades available, such as different colors or nicer fabrics, etc. If we wanted to, we could have spent up to $400 to walk on a piece of lovely fabric. And hey … not only can you spit out your food into the bride and groom’s names on your napkin, now you can even walk all over the happy couple with your big pointy shoes. What’s next? Monogrammed toilet paper? Eeewwwww. I think I just grossed myself out.

I would like to remind you that reading this blog was absolutely FREE. So in return for my generosity, I would be curious to know: for your wedding, what did you spend money on that you now regret? Did anyone try and sell you something that you felt was unnecessary?

The wedding industry wants you to believe that you are not capable of doing anything yourself; that you desperately need help. You need a wedding planner, a makeup expert, a ceremony expert, a dance instructor, a bridal assistant; the list goes on and on. At this rate, after all the planning, you might need a therapist too. The bottom line is that there are many of these such experts; some of quality and others, not so much. You need to decide which of these things; if any, are important to you. You can plan your wedding on your own. I did. Right down to the last favor. The question is, do you WANT to? Some people prefer to have some experts in their planning process; or at least some good old fashioned help. So if you are one of those Brides or Grooms, then I did a little bit of homework for you and found some books that may help you with your wedding planning process. Since most wedding planning type books seem to suck, I could only find a few that were not mind - numbingly annoying or very old-fashioned. So if you’d like a bit of entertainment, help, or fun; check these out:

“It’s My Wedding” by Jean Ramsden and Corinne Weldon

This book is kind of cool. Instead of simply giving you some ideas of what to do during wedding planning, this included several “real” stories from actual brides who have already gone through it. In each story, there is a crisis of some kind that the bride describes; and then tells the story of what happened. After each tale, a solution from various “experts” is offered as to how they would have dealt with that issue. It is fun to read, and after reading some of these stories, it will make you feel better about your own somewhat tame situations.

“The Bridesmaid Handbook” by Sharon Naylor

This book also doesn’t suck. It offers some modern day advice about being a bridesmaid in an easy to follow; fun to read way. Included are things like the bachelorette party, Bridal Shower, how much money you should expect to spend, picking dresses, your time, ceremony and general etiquette. Many so-called “experts” weigh in on these issues, but overall, they aren’t annoying enough to make me hate this book. If you are going to be a bridesmaid, this one might be helpful and a good read.

“The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Weddings” by Piven, Borgenicht, Jordan

I liked this book because I was never quite sure if the stories I was reading were real, or if I was being “punked.” Some of the tales here are so bizarre or just plain nutty, you are not quite sure if you are being taken for a ride … or did it really happen? DJ’s not showing up, wedding dresses getting lost the day of the event, reception hall catching fire. What to do? This book will tell you … sort of. Their solutions are just as baffling as their scenarios. And yet, oddly enough, I think it is a helpful book. And very funny. The authors come up with some pretty good and creative stuff here; such as creating bouquets from wrappers, and how to deal with a drunken bridesmaid. (you’ll have to read for yourself. ) The best thing about this book is that it does not take itself too seriously. It sort of mocks the whole idea of “experts,” which I really really liked. If you are stressed out right now planning your wedding, this should make you laugh and help you put things into perspective.

“Thirty To Wife” by Craig Michaels

Very funny book. Great gift for a Groom-to-be, from the male perspective. This one tells the story of Craig Michaels, a man who just proposed to his now fiance. In this book, he writes about the 30 days before the wedding from his personal experience … the engagement, the wedding planning, the changes in the relationship, and everything else that happens during this happy and strange time. Michaels is very real and down to earth, funny, and obviously very in love. This is really a perfect read for any man who feels like he is not a big part of the wedding planning process, or who feels left out. (waah.)

“The Best Wedding Reception Ever” by Peter Merry

Who is Peter Merry, you ask? Well he is a wedding expert, of course! Not exactly, but close. For over 20 years, he was a “Wedding Entertainment Director,” which gives him a lot of knowledge in a lot of areas of planning the perfect wedding reception. This book is incredibly helpful, and I actually read it while planning my own wedding. Someone gave it to me as a gift, and I have to say, it was a favorite of mine during the process. I loved how Perry referred to the typical cookie - cutter wedding as a “McWedding.” He gives great tips on how to avoid this type of wedding, how to make it your own, and do it on a tight budget. He speaks about the most important part of the reception - the entertainment, the company, the food, the atmosphere. The ideas are concrete and very creative, and the book definately doesn’t suck.

One more thing: if you are going to read any of the above books or others while planning your wedding, by all means do not pay for them. There is a little thing called a library, and it is a wonderful place. Save some money, and use it. And happy wedding planning.

My parents have a time-share in CapeCod, Massachusetts. They get one week per year, which just happened to be the week after we got married. So they gave it to us. It was very generous of them, and an absolutely beautiful 2 bedroom suite right on the bay and the ocean. So a week after our October wedding, off we drove to Cape Cod Massachusetts, in November.

Now if you have never been to CapeCod before, you should know that the place is hopping with tourists; an endless sea of people all summer long. In November, it is considered the beginning of the “off-season.” The good news about being on the Cape in November is that you have the entire place to yourself. The bad news is that you have the entire place to yourself. There is NOBODY around anywhere. At night, it is silent; for even the crickets have left town. The people that remain are the locals, those that live there year round. And let me tell you, there aren’t many. So what do you DO with all of your time when everything seems to be closed, and quite frankly; you have already had all the sex that either of you desire? Well, for one thing, you eat. And then you eat some more. And then some more. Let me say this; the restaurants in the Falmouth area are fantastic! Excellent homemade meals, comfort foods; great breakfasts, and of course; seafood. A few of our favorites include Seafood Sam’s, Hearth and Kettle, The Fishmonger, Oysters Too, and Crabapples.

But sometimes, even the restaurants were closed. So then you get really desperate and you do the next best thing: Burger King! Yes, we went to Burger King on our honeymoon. Now you may ask; what could possibly be lamer than going to a fast food place on your honeymoon? Well, I have got the answer, and it is one word: Bowling! That is correct. We went bowling on our honeymoon. Why? Because nothing else was open that night, that’s why! C’mon now. How much sex can two people have? After awhile, a person wants a Whopper and some good old fashioned bowling! Now, what could possibly be more lame than going bowling on your honeymoon? Once again, I have the answer for you. Going bowling with your parents! That is correct. Our parents went bowling with us. Why? Well because they are lovely people, and we enjoy spending time with them. And since this beautiful suite was THEIRS after all, we decided it might be fun for them to come up and spend an overnight with us; show us around, go to Burger King, bowl. You know, the usual things one does on a romantic getaway….

So after mom and dad left and we were once again alone, we took a day trip to Martha’s Vineyard, where upon arrival everything was once again CLOSED. By the second or third day of our seven day vacation, we started to notice a trend. A lot of places were “Closed for the Season.” So rather than get angry, we started to have fun with it; taking pictures of every business, restaurant, and establishment that had a Closed sign on it. We turned it into a little story; sort of the theme for our honeymoon: “Sorry, We’re Closed.” Here are some of the highlights from those adventures ….

So what is the message here; the lesson? Well, as I said, I always pictured in my head going to Italy and having this grandiose romantic honeymoon. Instead, we ended up on Cape Cod in November; bowling with my parents. (well, only one night. Let’s not get crazy here.) And you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing. After you get married and spend a whole chunk of your life planning a wedding, you just want to get away. You want to be together and relax. I try to look at it this way; all those people left Cape Cod so my husband and I could have our time together, so we could enjoy the first week of our new marriage in style. It was perfect autumn weather, just the way I like it. The food was great, and the company even better. I had my husband all to myself, and we could do whatever we wanted. Sure, there was some romance. But mostly what I remember about our honeymoon is the total feeling of peace and tranquility. So when you plan your honeymoon, be open to new ideas; new locations. Not everybody has to go to Aruba or Jamaica. To us, Cape Cod was just our style. And you never know; you may find yourself doing something you never expected … like ice-skating. (Hey! It was the only thing that was OPEN!) What do you expect? It was November!

And if you have any crazy, fun or just plain awesome honeymoon stories, let me know and I’ll feature them on my blog.

So what about you, dear readers? Have you been screwed over by “the industry” when mentioning the magic word? What did you do about it?

1. Vendor Contacts:

Put all of your vendor’s contact information into your cellphone before your wedding day. I did this and it was a big lifesaver when two vendors ended up being very late. I was able to call them easily and find out why and what happened without having to search everywhere for their phone numbers.

2. Pack A Wedding Bag:

Try to pack everything you will need on your wedding day into one very large bag. It is much easier if everything is in ONE place rather than in 87 different totebags, shoulder bags, etc. I used a giant see-through bag marked “Wedding Day” and inside was everything I needed for the day. All my paperwork like written vows, marriage license, readings were inside the bag in a seperate labeled folder. I had some things inside smaller ziploc bags marked RINGS or HAIR PIECES, just so I could find it easily. We also did a lot of the decoating, so I kept things like tape, scissors and pens all in one baggie. Things were easy to locate and there was only one big bag to search through.

3. Aqua Please:

Water, water, and more water. Throat drops, vitamin C, losenges, whatever it takes. By the end of the ceremony my throat was so dry it felt like sandpaper. I couldn’t get enough water that day. I don’t know what it is, but your throat dries out a lot. Put some losenges and a bottle of water in your purse or have your Maid of Honor place a few by your plate where you are sitting. You’ll need them.

4. Pictures:

I know everyone has their own opinions on this, but I absolutely recommend doing your formal pictures before the ceremony. We did this and it was one of the best decisions that we made. It makes the day seem longer because you have all these fun pictures to take with your husband and wedding party before your guests even arrive. Talk to your photographer about setting up a “First Glance” moment. This is where your Groom will see you for the first time in your wedding dress, and the moment will be captured in picture. When he turns around to see you standing there, the feeling is priceless. It also does not take away the intensity of walking down the aisle toward your Groom. The best part of doing pictures beforehand is that you get to actually spend time at your own party. We attended our cocktail hour and ALL of the reception. After all that planning and work, I didn’t want to miss a minute of anything. (for more on pictures beforehand, watch my Wedding Wedisode on the homepage.)

5. Follow Your Instincts:

If you have an instinct to go up to a guest at any point during your reception and give them a hug or talk to them, DO IT. Don’t make the common mistake of telling yourself you will come back later, because there probably won’t BE a later. The night goes by super fast and this might be the only chance you have to speak to that person. So just do it right then and there, and follow your instinct.

6. EAT:

For the love of God, EAT!!! I know this sounds very cliche, but that’s only because it is so true. I had a really good breakfast on my wedding day, and I am glad that I did because barely had the chance to eat anything at my wedding. Other than a bite of cake and a few appetizer pieces, that was it. I didn’t touch my dinner and I didn’t even see my salad, pasta, or dessert. The hot chocolate my guests raved about; I never even got one. I was so busy running around and getting my picture taken, there seemed to be no time. It is a whirlwind and it is tough to get any food while you’re in the midst of it. Delegate someone if possible to make sure you get at least a few bites during cocktail hour, or have a plate brought up to you and your husband if you are spending that time alone before joining the party. If you don’t get to eat your dinner, see if your venue will let you take it home in a “bridal bag.” They should, since you paid for it!

7. Make a List:

Tell your photographer what pictures you want specifically. This is one thing I am really regretting about my wedding planning. Our photographer did a good job overall, but there were so many combinations of people/pictures that I really wanted captured that she just didnt think to get. Make a specific list and let them know the things that are MUST HAVE shots for you.

8. What Time Is It?

Have a watch available or wear one until you put on your dress. I cannot tell you how many times I annoyed the crap out of my mom and Matron of Honor with “what time is it? what time is it now? what about now? and now? how we doing on time? How much time do we have?” I sounded like a talk show host. I was so concerned with the time because we were rushing around before the ceremony and people were running late. It drove me nuts to not have a watch on, and it certainly drove everyone ELSE nuts too! Wear a watch!

9. Walk Like a Man:

Spend the money on comfortable shoes that you can stand in and dance in for over 5 hours. You will be on your feet all day long; posing for pictures, dancing, everything. It is very exhausting. Halfway through the reception my feet were throbbing and felt like they were about to fall off they hurt so much. With most wedding dresses, noone will even be able to SEE your shoes; so when you’re shopping for them, keep this in mind and look for COMFORT over and above everything else.

10. Pointless Stressing:

Try not to stress about things that you simply cannot control. It is very difficult to do this in the moment, but I realized in the midst of all my panicking, that it wasn’t helping the situation AT ALL. Looking back, I only made things worse by getting way too excited and assuming the worst. (like when the minister was late, I assumed he wasn’t going to show up and practically had a breakdown. Turns out he was simply stuck in traffic. My panicking only made ME more cranky and unable to let it go.)

11. Be At Your Own Wedding:

This is perhaps the best advice I can give you, from one bride to another. Be in the moment on your wedding day. Breathe it all in as it is happening. I really made it a point to do this, especially during the ceremony. I literally told myself, “Look around you. You are getting married. This is it, this is awesome. Look at all these people who love you.” Then I looked around and I SAW them; and I saw my future husband looking at me, and listened to every word that the minister was saying about us; about love. Once I did that, it made every moment so much more meaningful for me. Do not let the day go by without really taking it all in. This is so important. Be at your own wedding, instead of just letting it happen around you. Enjoy it ladies. It is truly an amazing day and a once in a lifetime feeling. I wish you all the same happiness and love that I felt on my wedding day.

1. Carrying the Bride Over the Threshold

Some very early marriages were literally “carried” out by the Groom and his “bridesknights,” who would kidnap a woman from another tribe for the Groom to marry. (Can you see a modern-day NYC chick putting up with this? I think not!) The Groom and his groomsmen, or bridesknights; would then fight off the bride’s family with swords in their right hand, while the Groom held or “carried” the Bride in his left. This is also why the Bride stands to the left of the Groom during the wedding ceremony. It is said that in ancient times, the Groom would need his right hand side free to use his sword in protecting his new Bride from any jealous suitors. (I guess the modern day version of this would be a guy holding a beer in his right hand, and his fist in the other? You know, in case any fights break out at the local dive karaoke bar.)

2. The Honeymoon

Historians claim the term “honeymoon” came from ancient times; when the Groom would keep his Bride stashed away for one month after the wedding. The word honeymoon came from the term to describe the one month cycle of the moon during this time. The newlyweds would drink “mead,” a honey - sweetened alcoholic brew that was meant to affect the acidity and sobriety of the womb; therefore increasing fertility. Now I have heard of getting your woman a little tipsy to get her into bed, but this is ridiculous!

3. Wedding

So where does the word wedding come from? Well, allegedly, it is derived from the word “wedd,” which meant that a man would marry a woman and then pay the bride’s father. Let me repeat that. The Groom would PAY the bride’s father so that he could marry her! So basically, us females were being bought and sold between the two men that supposedly loved us most;our dad and our future husbands. I wonder how much a good women went for in those days. Something tells me they didn’t take American Express for these transactions.

4. The Bouquet and Toss

Now this one just made me laugh, plain and simple. Did you know that originally, bouquets were made not of flowers, but instead of herbs with a strong odor such as garlic and thyme. They would wrap the herbs in ribbons or rope and create a bridal bouquet. Why? Well, to frighten Evil Spirits, of course. Everything “back in the day” seems to be about evil spirits. Apparently there were a lot of spirits running around trying to ruin people’s weddings. Nothing like a little garlic to scare them away though, huh? “Run for your lives! It’s GARLIC!!!” The secondary purpose of the strong herbed bouquet was to cover the stench of any guests who had not bathed recently. So weird Uncle Eddie with his two teeth and B.O. will now smell like B.O. drowned in garlic. Sounds like the perfect solution to me. And hey, what’s better on your wedding night than a garlic smelling Bride? Mmmmm, sexy. It’s no wonder their Grooms hid them away for a month. As for the bouquet toss, this also had to do with luck and evil spirits. It was widely believed that newlyweds brought upon good luck, so tossing the bouquet represented the Bride passing on her luck to whoever caught it. Also, guests were known back then for literally tearing at the Bride’s wedding dress, so they could take home a piece of it for “luck.” Sort of like trying to get a lock of hair from Paul McCartney, but weirder. So the tossing of the bouquet acted as a distraction, so that the guests would hopefully leave the Bride’s dress alone. (Umm… yeah. That makes sense, right? Not really.)

5. Bridal Shower

The story goes like this: A long, long time ago; in a land far away; a poor Dutchman fell for a beautiful girl whose father refused her a dowry. So her friends got together and “showered” her with enough gifts to help her and her poor, poor Dutchman start a household. This sounds like the perfect couple for “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” to me. Other ancient customs included hiding the wrapped gifts under a parisole, which would then fall upon the Bride .. hence the term “shower.” I wonder if anyone back then ever received a gift card to Target?

6. The Lifting of the Veil

More evil spirits. One of the main purposes of the Bride’s veil was to protect her from them wacky evil spirits. Even more humorous than that is this: during ancient times, most weddings were pre-arranged by the families of the Bride and Groom. The Groom was never allowed to see the Bride’s face, therefore her face was covered by the veil. In fact, the Groom did not know what the Bride looked like until seconds before the vows began. This is why the father of the Bride would lift the veil; to “present” the Groom with his new Bride. The theory was that if a Groom saw his future Bride’s face before this point, he may not like her looks; and therefore, may not agree to marry her. Talk about shocking a guy, huh? Can you imagine the guy who happens to end up with the woman who is … well, unattractive? I wonder what would happen if the Groom found the Bride just too ugly to continue the ceremony. This brings new meaning to the term blind date. This is blind marriage!

7. Tossing Rice

So as we have established, newlyweds bring good luck. Guests would try to add to that luck by showering the couple with nuts and grains, to insure a healthy harvest, and many children to work the land. In times of poor harvest, guests would toss rice instead. Today, throwing rice at the Bride and Groom is still a practiced custom at many church weddings.

8. Tying the Knot

Next time you say you are “tying the knot,” perhaps you will have more of an appreciation as to what that actually means. During the Roman Empire times, the Bride wore a girdle that was tied in knots. Before the couple consummated the marriage, the Groom would untie the knots on the girdle in order to undress his new Bride. So then, wouldn’t it be called “untying the knot?” Im confused. Now if you have seen any old movies, you probably have noticed just how much time it takes to untie one of those girdles. A looong time. Ages. I guess this was considered to be their version of foreplay, since by the time that thing is untied; it could be well into their month of isolation from society.

9. The Toast

The term of the “toast” comes from France, where a piece of bread was placed in the bottom of two glasses for the bride and groom at the reception. While the guests watched and cheered on, they would “race” to see who could drink fastest and get to the “toast.” The winner would make a short speech and was said to be the person to rule the household. It is quite amusing that somehow this fun drinking game involving a piece of toast and a short speech has somehow become 5 different drunk, awkward relatives giving 20 minute “had to be there” type stories until the guests officially fall asleep in their soup.

10. Shoes on Vehicle

Oh those wacky Romans. This one is also quite bizarre. On the wedding day, the father of the Bride would give the Groom his daughter’s shoes. Why, you ask? Well, to symbolize the transfer of authority over the Bride, silly! In later years, guests would throw their own shoes at the happy couple as they exited the reception. Today, this tradition still lives on in some weddings; when guests and friends tie pairs of old shoes to the back of the car before the couple leaves the reception. All of this makes me glad I buy my shoes at Payless. Hell, if they are going to be given to a man, why should I spent money on them? And what the hell does a man do with a pair of women’s shoes anyway once they are in his posession? Wait. I don’t want to know.

11. Wedding Cake

Did you know that wedding cakes used to be made with no frosting at all? And forget about buttercream, strawberries, or mocha flavored cakes. These cakes were made of wheat and barley, and then broken over the Bride and Groom’s HEADS as a symbol of her fertility. Huh? How does having cake all over your head mean you will be fertile? Oh well. Hey people, I didn’t write this stuff, I’m just the messenger. Anyway, after the cake was broken over the heads of the couple, guests would scramble around trying to get a piece of the cake for “good luck.” Yum yum. Cake that has been on someone’s scalp AND on the floor. In later years, it became tradition to stack many smaller cakes as highly as possible in a tower. The bride and groom would then try to kiss over the cakes without knocking any of them down. If they did knock them down, they would be killed instantly. Just kidding. Making sure you were paying attention. During the reign of King Charles II of England, bakers began adding icing ..and the modern day version of a wedding cake was born. Interestingly enough, I could not find any ancient reasoning behind the “smashing of the cake.” It looks like this is just one of those things that we Americans picked up from ourselves. So you see? Even in ancient times when women were bought and sold by men and carried kicking and screaming over the threshold to their new husbands; even these people had the good sense to know that you don’t smash cake into your new wife’s face. That would certainly bring on Evil Spirits.

If you have any questions, comments or suggestions for the next Top 11 post, leave a comment.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to not have to deal with wedding party conflicts?

Maid of honors who refuse to help, bridesmaids who hate every dress you chose, a Best Man who makes a drunken embarassing speech at your reception. I am sure that all of us at some point have wanted to just throw our arms up in the air and say “You’re All Fired!,” Donald Trump style.

Recently, a friend of mine wanted to include her precious dog in her wedding, so she decided to use her dog as the ring bearer (he carried in a fake ring on a pillow). She figured this would not only save her money on a tux for the little one, but she also wouldn’t have to deal with the sometimes challenges that having a kid in the wedding party brings. The dog was a hit. He even gave a bark or two, and stood up at the alter while the bride and groom exchanged their vows. Very cute.

Well, it got me to thinking. (uh-oh.)

What if we started not only using our pets for ringbearers or other minor wedding roles, but also bigger, more important parts of the wedding? This would not only be cute, but it would sure solve a lot of headaches that some Brides have while planning their weddings. I can’t even tell you how many endless stories I have heard from friends about nightmare wedding parties who simply will not cooperate, support, or help in any way. They complain. They whine. And hey, let’s face it - they cost money! We have to buy them gifts for being a part of the wedding, treat them to a nice rehearsal dinner, and even splurge for their hair styles and makeup! Who needs all that expense when we can just fluff up Miffy, throw her in a dress, and turn her into instant bridesmaid? Think about it. No more attitude about dresses being ugly, shoes too expensive, or anything else. No more having to accommodate your Matron of Honor, her 13 children, and her “wheat grain only” diet. From now on, your NEW matron of honor will eat Puppy Chow and water. Just imagine the level of stress automatically decreased! I know it sounds silly, and perhaps it is, but I think I might be on to something here! Just picture it:

Meet your new Officiant, Cuddles:

Sure, it might be more of a silent ceremony; but hey, you can write your own vows. Less is more anyway, right? And look at all the money you’ll be saving by paying your minister in dog biscuits and treats.

Your Matron of Honor, Cloe:

Awwww, how cute. Doesn’t she look adorable? And listen to that noise … the sweet sound of silence. No more complaining from your new and improved Maid of Honor. And you, my dear Bride, are sure to steal the show with this dog beside you!

Your Bridesmaids, Pinky and Squeeky:

They’re twins! Isn’t that precious? And those bows in their hair are the most expensive things you’ll be spending on these cuties. Even better, no worrying about shoes!

Your Limousine Driver, Toodles:

Okay, okay, so she isn’t “technically” licensed to drive a car. But why nitpick? This furbaby has fire in her belly, and she learns very fast. Even after her 17 fatal accidents, she is still going strong and wants to get you to your reception destination. Just think … no tip required!

Your Cocktail Hour Bartender, Stevie:

Stevie is a cool cat who knows how to party. He will make sure your guests have a great time. The bar will be fully stocked with top of the line liquor. However, Stevie is incapable of actually understanding what people want or pouring the drinks. He is very capable of looking striking in his 70’s style suit.

And lastly, your Bouncer, Killer:

Is that Mother in Law getting out of hand again? Having issues with your too nosy videographer? Did your uninvited cousin Eddie show up with his uninvited 15 illigitimate children? Do not fear. Your bouncer, Killer, will surely take care of any of the above problems. Sure, he looks sweet, but they didn’t give him his name for nothing. Make sure your wedding is a place of peace and tranquility by having this ferocious Tiger take care of any conflicts that should arise. Just don’t look at him the wrong way, or for too long. And please whisper while around him, he tends to strike randomly when hearing loud noises. You’ll be fine.

So as you can see, this new idea for an All-Pet Wedding surely makes sense!!! I hope that you agree, and that you will take these ideas into account when planning your own wedding.

As always, I want your input. Are any of you planning on using your pets in the wedding? If so, how? Do you know anyone else who has? Tell us the story. Was it cute or did it make things more chaotic? Inquiring pet lovers want to know. And so does Killer.

This silly blog is lovingly dedicated to our sweet cat Isabelle, who; after 15 great years, went to pet heaven on Monday, August 15th. We miss you Izzy, and we love you always.

We love going to the shower, shopping for gifts for the happy couple and especially attending the actual celebration. Most of us love weddings so much that we attend many of them gladly in our lifetime; supporting our friends and family members time and time again in their moment of everlasting love.

HOWEVER … for every great wedding we attend, there are also many that we don’t particularly enjoy. In today’s world, we all hear so much about the bride’s demands, what the bride wants, all hail the great and powerful bride!!! Well, I thought it was time to turn the tables and find out what the GUESTS want. Or more importantly, what they don’t want.

So in order to get an honest, outside perspective from real women who have attended many weddings in their time, I polled a few friends on the message boards over at brides.com. After asking them their biggest pet peeves and dislikes about weddings from a guest’s point of view, and after adding my own take on the issue, I am now proud to present to you my latest top 11 list.

Our top 11 biggest wedding complaints … from your GUESTS 

1. Invitation Proclamations — Of course, as a guest invited to your wedding, we enjoy receiving the invitation in the mail, admiring it; looking at how beautiful it is. But there are a lot of things about invitations that make us … well… unhappy. Pamela from Massachusetts doesn’t like it when the directions included are bad, or especially when there ARE no directions provided at all. Pam and many others also made it clear that they do not want to see registry information anywhere inside the invite, or worse, ON the actual invite. In fact, it is really best to have no mention at all of gifts anywhere on a wedding invitation. Why? Because it implies that you are “expecting” a gift, and technically, gifts are optional. So putting detailed wording about all the stores where you would like gifts from is, well, tacky. It also doesn’t do much to make your guests feel welcome. And speaking of feeling welcome, another popular complaint regarding invites is when a fiance or live-in partner is not directly invited to the wedding, but instead written in as “and guest” on your invite. This is acceptable if your guest is clearly single and dating openly, but when a guest has been living with their partner or FIANCE for more than two years and you don’t include them on the invite, that just gives us an icky feeling.

2. There will Be a three-hour intermission after the ceremony — As guests, we understand that sometimes there has to be a time gap in between the ceremony and reception. That is fine and totally acceptable. But when you feel as if you could go see a movie, get some dinner and then perhaps finish that novel you’ve been meaning to write — all in enough time to make it back before cocktail hour, then perhaps you are making your guests wait too long. C.J. from North Carolina puts it best: “I don’t enjoy waiting in a banquet hall listening to Muzak while sipping the half cup of warm Pepsi I just spent $4 on for three hours so the wedding party can take 6,000 pictures.” A good solution to this issue? Try taking some or all of your formal pictures before the ceremony, or if that’s impossible; provide your guests with a place to go or a list of things to do in the area during the interim.

3. The never-ending toast — When you are the happy couple, being toasted is fun. Wow. All these people talking about us, saying how much they love us, telling funny stories! What could be better? Well, a route canal, for one. Sure, toasts and speeches are great fun, and if you have someone who knows how to keep it short, sweet and get the crowd on their side, they can be a hugely memorable part of the reception. But so many times, this is not the case. Sue from Michigan hates when the “Best Man is drunk, goes on and on, thinking everyone is interested and laughing at himself.” And she is right. There is nothing worse than some drunk, rambling guy. With a microphone. And 200 people listening. Kristen from Edmontun adds, “I prefer short, heartfelt speeches. Why do you want 10 different people droning on and on for an hour?” Well, Kristen, you don’t. And your guests don’t either. So make sure whoever is toasting you is not only sober, but a willing participant. At our wedding, my matron of honor made it clear that she did not want to do a toast, because she hates public speaking. So I told her that was fine, and spared both her and our guests from the awkwardness of a forced toast.

4. The obnoxious disc jockey — Let’s face it. There are great D.J.s, so-so D.J.s, and then there are D.Js from Hell. I think most of us have at one time experienced the Hell version. You know, the one who will not stop talking during the songs, making loud noises such as “yahoo!” and “woo hoo!” way too often, and talking in that annoyingly phony put-on voice. The D.J. from Hell can literally ruin a wedding reception. Just ask Lauren in Georgia: “He literally would not shut up. For every one song he played, it was another five minutes of him jabbering on about nothing. He also advertised his own services out loud several times during our reception.” Dana from New Jersey finds all of the organized dances that some D.J.s do to be just as irritating. “I hate being forced into doing stupid games,” she says. ” No, I don’t want the centerpiece, and no, I don’t want to limbo for it.” Perhaps the most infuriating thing about the D.J. from Hell is when they are so busy congratulating themselves, that they forget to do their job! “I missed all the important parts of the reception like the cake-cutting and formal dances, because the D.J. never announced anything,” chimes in Liz from Illinois. Basically, most of us love to have fun and dance — we just don’t enjoy being told when to do so or being “forced” into it when we would rather sit at the table and talk to friends or eat more food.

5. I now pronounce you husband and … RIIINNNGGGG!

Cell phones are only one of many pet peeves that your guests have about the ceremony. Others include roasting in a dress and pantyhose during an outdoor ceremony on the hottest day of the year, not providing chairs for guests and making them stand uncomfortably in their dress clothes, and not being able to see anything thats going on. Even more annoying, not being able to hear. Misha from New York might have been moved to tears when her friends exchanged their vows … too bad she couldn’t hear them. There was no microphone or any kind of sound system, so unless you were the minister, it probably sounded a lot like how the teachers speak on “The Peanuts” cartoon. “Waah … waah waaah waah waah. Waaah.” Another common complaint? Excessively long religious rituals or customs without any explanation about them. A good solution? Let your guests know what the meaning of such rituals inside your ceremony program. Like Dana from New Jersey says, “It helps if your guests know what they’re watching.” Yes, Dana, it certainly does.

6. Some traditions just need to go away — and, according to a lot of the women I spoke to over on brides.com, it seems that not many of us guests enjoy the bouquet-and-garter ritual anymore. I know I don’t. We chose to do the aAnniversary dance instead at our wedding (check out one of the questions over in the Get Advice section to read more about that). But back to the bouquet. Erin in Florida explains that the bouquet toss is embarrassing “for the bride, the crazy girls who will knock over a grandma to catch the bouquet or the poor girl that is being dragged onto the dance floor against her will for the toss.” As for the garter, Lauren and many others find it “just plain creepy.” She goes on to say that the creepy factor goes up when the groom is blindfolded, or when the couple does a version of the garter removal using children. Oh, so creepy.

7. Musical Chairs — The seating chart. Probably one of the most stressful parts of wedding planning for a lot of brides. So let me start by saying that I think your Guests understand this and sympathize. Still though, most of our sympathies end when we are seated next to the air duct or next to the smelly restroom in the corner, almost as if we are in a different room entirely. The bigger the wedding, the more complicated the seating. But certain things should be simple. Like … seating people who are family together. Jenn in New York thinks that some couples do the seating chart as if its roulette wheel, asking “Why would you purposely put me with people I don’t know, when my sister is at the very next table?” Sarah in D.C. went to a wedding in which her fiance was in the wedding party. He was seated at the head table. And where was she? “I was forced into a far corner of the room with complete strangers.” So while doing your seating charts brides, keep in mind that a lot of your guests will be spending a lot of their time at that table. Do your best to make them as comfortable as possible.

8. Food and Drink —This category had maybe the most amount of replies and variations of complaints. I think it is safe to say that your guests feel very passionate about their food! And water. A lot of women wrote about servers not refilling water glasses, or worse, having to pay for water at a reception. Other ladies don’t mind if the bride and groom have a cash bar, but they would like to be informed ahead of time so they can prepare for it and have some, uh, cash. Now, when it comes to the food, opinions were strong that there should be more than one option on the menu. Kat from Georgia states, “Sorry, but I don’t eat red meat. What about the vegetarians?” Another popular peeve is the buffet. Not the buffet itself, but how it is handled. Erin in West Virginia hates waiting in a long line for the buffet table, or being the last table to be allowed to go up and eat. Her solution? “We had the soup and salad courses served at the table, and our guests really loved that.” Anne Marie in New Jersey adds that some venues take so long to complete dinner service that it ends up cutting into the all-important dancing time. Other issues include passed hors d’oeuvres that are hard to get at, and heavy dishes stuffed with cheeses and cream sauces.

9. Please Say Thank You — Just as with the invitations, your guests love receiving the “thank-you” letter after the wedding is all said and done. That is, of course, if they ever receive it. Suzanne in Oregon thinks its quite rude for a couple to never send a thank you note, and I agree! “I took the time to spend money on a nice gift for you, but you can’t take 10 seconds to thank me for it?” she says. Another recent fad that seems tacky to us are those “preprinted “thank you” notes.” You know, the ones where the message is already typed into the card and all the couple has to do is sign it. Wow. Talk about insulting! Now it’s too much trouble to write a sentence or two about the gift I sent you, and maybe how nice it was to see me at the wedding? Hmmm, maybe I should have taken that second hundred-dollar bill out of your gift envelope during the second half of the reception after all (don’t judge me … you have thought about doing that too). Maybe worse than no “thank you” note is an unsettling phone call, like the one that Cailee in Kentucky got after her friend’s wedding. “The couple called us to see where the gift was bought, so that they could return it.” Now that’s class!

10. Stupid Themes — The common thought on this seems to be that although a simple theme for a wedding can be nice, it seems to have gotten a bit out of hand. Eve makes the point that some brides get “too caught up in the wedding being some kind of beauty pageant or fashion show,” instead of a simple celebration of the couple’s love and new life together. Sarah in D.C. has this to add: “A girl I know is having a Cinderella-themed wedding, and I can’t even listen to her talk about it anymore, because it makes me want to puke!” Please don’t puke Sarah. That would clearly ruin your friend’s happy Disney theme. Hey girls, the point is this: Themes are fine with your guests for the most part, as long as it makes sense. If you have a wedding theme, it should reflect who you and your groom are as people. For example, my entire life, I have loved the Christmas holiday. My husband proposed to me under the Rockefeller Center tree in NYC. I always pictured a Christmas-themed wedding with small holiday touches. So we did that, and it was very much a reflection of who I am as a person. Also, don’t let your theme get in the way of the actual meaning of the day. If you are more concerned about whether your gold napkins fit in with your medieval theme than you are with the wording of the vows, then you need to reset your priorities. Again.

11. Act Happy, DAMMIT! — When all is said and done, a great wedding comes down to the atmosphere and the people. If the couple is truly happy and having a great time, it is obvious. And if they are not … well, its obvious. And there is nothing worse than being at a wedding where there is tension in the air. Tension between family members, the couple, anyone involved in the wedding planning. As a guest, its sort of like when you go over to your married friend’s house, and they argue the entire time you are there and act as if you aren’t there. Hello? Im standing right here. Are you really fighting right in front of me? Well its even worse at a wedding. Whatever you went through to put this shindig together — all that stress, planning, fighting with in-laws — now is not time to rehash it during the reception. I will leave Jan from Arizona with the last word on this subject. “The wedding should be a happy occasion. Hearing the bitterness of others can really bring the mood crashing down, even if it’s overheard only casually.”Perhaps just as uncomfortable as watching tension is being ignored completely at a wedding. In my opinion, if you dont have a chance to say, “hello” to everyone that came to your celebration, than you have too many people there. Your guest’s arent expecting much, really. Janet from Texas is only after “a hug and a ‘hello’ is great. Just some sort of acknowledgement that I was there at their wedding.”

So when you are planning your wedding; brides, please stop to think about one of the most important factors to your big day … your guests. The people who love you, support you and made time and effort to be there for you on this day. And in return, you can treat them with respect — and most of all, just be happy.

As always, your opinions are welcome here. As a wedding guest, what are your biggest complaints? What drives you crazy about weddings?

Okay, it is time to get this out in the open where everyone can hear it. Consider this a big giant SCREAM in written language. I will not type the entire blog in capital letters (internet speak for yelling) because I imagine that would be incredibly annoying to read. So I will just inform you ahead of time that the general mood of this particular blog is ANGRY. Why so angry, you may ask? Well thanks for asking. You are very kind. Well, dear readers, I am angry because I am not a Size 2, or a 4, or even an 8. I am not even a Size 10. Or 12. Still with me? Because I can go higher. I probably have your curiosity now about my size and weight. Well I’m not going to tell you what I weigh, but I will say that my size varies depending on store, brand, time of month, what I’ve eaten, and about a zillion other components. Normally, I fall somewhere between a size 18 - 22. Now you men out there will read that statement and not understand how someone can “fall between” all those sizes. Well, we can. I can go into one store and buy jeans that are an 18, and go into another store and buy jeans that are a 22. Sometimes this happens in the same store!!! This is why it takes us girls so long to shop. It is not something I enjoy doing. So you can imagine that if I have that sort of trouble buying jeans, what I would run into while trying to choose a wedding gown. Let’s just say that I predicted this process would be a total nightmare ahead of time, so I was prepared.

The world of weddings is not made for the non-skinny. Hell, its not even made for the average woman who is much smaller than me. No, the world of weddings is apparently made for girls who look like small boys and date men that walk around nude. Why do I make such a ridiculous statement? Well because these are the typical pictures we find in most bridal magazines. Pictures of “brides” who look to be about a Size 0, draped in some horrible “dress” that resembles a curtain, and behind them is a naked man, sometimes with wings. Yes, wings. What is the meaning of this? Have you ever dated a nude man with wings growing out of him? Or married one? If any of you have, please let me know, and I promise you I will retract this entire article. I do not understand who these bridal magazines are targeting. It certainly isn’t me, or any of my friends. Or anyone I know down here in the real world. Because in our world, our men are dressed in suits or tuxes on our weddings day, and guess what? We are probably smiling! We are happy. All of the women in the bridal mags look as if they are suffering from the worst case of p.m.s imagineable. They never smile. They look pissed! Or maybe they just need a sandwich. In any case, mos