The Aisle Runner Blog

While I was searching Youtube today for some “funny” wedding related videos to use in my blogs, I started to get extremely frustrated. And not only me, but my husband; who was watching these videos with me. We would open one, give it a minute or two, listen intently awaiting the big payoff laughter to ensue; and then give up, soon realizing there was NO laughter to be had. Why? Because 9 out of 10 of these videos were about the same old thing; men complaining that their wives NAG them. Two men sitting around talking; one telling the other about his incredibly nagging wife. One sketch comedy show did a bit about a fake product that listened to the nagging and told you what to say as a reply for a small fee. Another scene showed a woman accidentally cutting herself while chopping vegetables. When she begged her husband to please call 911, he lazily picked up the phone saying, ” I suppose you want me to clean up this mess while you’re laying around in the hospital too, right?” I will not post the video here, because I do not want to put any of my readers through such painfully unfunny “comedy.” The fact that the people in the video look like they just graduated from the Conrad Banes School of Acting doesn’t exactly help things. But I digress…

Look, I have a sense of humor. I am a comedian, so I have a very good sense of humor actually. So watching these videos does not offend me as a wife or as a woman. They offend me as a comedian! (Much like Seinfeld said on his show when he found out his dentist was becoming Jewish so he could tell Jewish jokes. “So you’re offended as a Jew?” Kramer asked. “No,” Jerry answered, “I’m offended as a comedian!” - I feel your pain Jerry) I just happen to think that there are a whole slew of stereotypes floating around out there about marriage; most of which are severely untrue. At least from where I stand. I mean c’mon; your wife nags you? Really? That’s the best joke you can come up with about marriage? I am sure that some wives do nag; just as some husbands are probably lazy pieces of crap who deserve to be nagged at! But that is certainly not what I see all around me, or in my own marriage. I am not a nag. I do not treat my husband as if I am his mother. He already has one of those, and as far as I know, he doesn’t want another one. So unless you have something NEW to say on the topic of nagging wives, let’s just put away that annoying word for a long time, shall we?

And while we are on the topic, here are some other stereotypes about marriage that annoy me:

MARRIED WOMEN NEVER WANT TO HAVE SEX

This is another old, boring, tired topic. The whole “I have a headache” thing went out a long time ago, didn’t it? I mean honestly, who actually says that anymore? Nobody that I know. Or, “I’m not in the mood.” Sure, sometimes women feel this way, but men make it sound as if women are saying this every single day. Personally; if you want to know the truth, I am in the mood MUCH more than my husband most times. Anyone else out there with me? (I really hope he doesn’t read this) I think that the whole idea that sex stops when you get married is just crazy. If anything, it should get better with time spent together. I also think that when it comes to sex, it all depends on the couple. Every relationship is different. Couple A might be happy having sex once a week, while couple B is happy having it five times per week. I am not going to say where we fall in that range, but the concept of an “average” amount of times to have sex is ridiculous. There is no such thing as “average.” Everyone is different.

WOMEN GAIN WEIGHT AFTER THEY GET MARRIED

This is another one that I hear men joking about all the time; how their wives gained 10 or 20 pounds over time. Usually they are having this conversation as they lounge around on the couch watching football together; their baseball hats covering their balding heads, and their oversized sweatshirts and jeans hiding the huge gut underneath. You know what? People gain weight. It happens. It’s called life. So unless you are looking in the mirror and seeing a young strapping Brad Pitt staring back, please don’t expect your wives to be some perfect little Barbie doll while you exercise your remote control arm to put on the latest Playstation game. Really, I think any man who criticizes his wife for gaining a few pounds is only hiding the insecurities they feel about their own self. I know; that was really deep. Don’t mistake me for Dr. Phil. This is why I have so much respect for couples who work out together, lose weight together, stay healthy together. It says so much about a relationship when you are both making these things an important part of your life. Together.

THE MAN LOSES HIS FREEDOM WHEN HE GETS MARRIED

This one kind of makes me mad. The whole “walking the plank” thing that men joke about with marriage; the whole “whatever you say dear, you’re always right dear” thing. Again, if I hadn’t heard this same hack joke a thousand times, I might laugh. But it’s old now, and not all that funny. I do not think this is true at all. Put it this way: if any man out there feels that he has lost his sense of self by getting married; that you have no say in anything that happens between you and your wife; well that is your fault! You are choosing to be passive and spineless in your relationship, and you are letting your wife walk all over you. If you have something to say, men; say it! If there is something you’d like to do, tell us! Really, we would love to know these things. Usually when my husband is silent about something, (where to go for dinner, what we should do over the weekend, etc) I will just take it upon myself to make a decision and make plans for us. If I didn’t, we would never go anywhere, ever!!! I’m serious. We would just sit in a chair, day after day, staring at one another. So, if you don’t have anything to offer, then don’t accuse us of taking too much control. Get it? Good.

And now I shall leave you with the shortest of the lame “marriage” videos that I scanned through today. It doesn’t seem fair that I had to suffer alone by watching all of these; so we will compromise. I am sharing with you the shortest, most painless of the bunch. But it’s still pretty bad. This one comes from A DAN AMONGST DANS. Enjoy!

What marriage stereotypes do you hate? Leave me your comments here.